In Limbo

Dear Blog,

I like this guy. A lot. Think about him 24/7/52, and trying really hard not to. Was warned from EARLY that no relationship is desired. Was warned by everyone else that I was treading on thin ice. Still mesmerized, and even moreso everyday *sigh*.

And honestly I don't think the feeling is (as) mutual (anymore?). But maybe that's a good thing - for me. Kinda jolts me back into reality.

Confident, outgoing, hardworking, independent...I admire all of his traits I think because a lot of them are things I'm aiming for myself - and he makes it look easy. I don't even think he knows what sort of effect he's having on me, changing me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing anything that affects him the same way...

We've been talking for four months...nothing official - but that's as long as some relationships.

Regardless of the outcome, I appreciate the experience. It's teaching me a lot, and I'm trying to learn and practise all those relationship-type things like compromise, and sharing time and space, reading signs and signals, and knowing when to push and when to back off.

I'll definitely keep you updated, but for now I'm just in limbo.

Bye...

My Monday - Crazy Shit

Dear Blog,


It's....the Monday.

Now THIS deserved it's own page because this day was just FILLED with some crazy, other shit...

Like I said before, church in the morning - which is out of the norm, because it's the big carnival day here and everybody is either in a costume, on the road watching people in costumes, or at home watching people on their screens in costumes.

I...was at church...which, mind you, I don't mind. I'm just saying...99.9% of the population was otherwise happily engaged - crazy shit.

Anyway, church ended, time to organise what to do for the rest of the day. Decided. Go and watch people in costumes. OK. With Whom? Decided. Two friends.

Two straight friends. Well...publicly straight anyway. One I have my doubts about - regardless of what impression he tries to give me - and the other is really bi (straight in the public's eye), although the first one doesn't know about the second, nor about me (I don't think...) - crazy shit.

I get picked up last, so they're already in the front seats in discussion. We're driving down the road, and I found no point really to enter into the conversation:

At first they were talking about jobs - teaching - they're into teaching. I'm...well...not.

Then it went to cars. And mechanics...Needless to say I got lost after the first three seconds...

Then gym. But straight gym talk and gay gym talk are not the same.

Actually I'm assuming, I could be wrong, I'm only judging from TV. The real problem is that the closest I get to a gym - is on my way to get fat-ladened, greasy, unhealthy fast food...

A whole car ride of just plain ol' suffocatingly straight talk - crazy shit.

Anyway, we made it to the destination, and walked around through the crowd. While I was with them, I actually ran into a number of my gay friends, stopped, chatted, and moved on. *Take that, straightees!!*

I also made some strong eye contact with numerous individuals, and completely forgot about the straight guy sermon I suffered through only a few minutes before. During the first moments I realised what I've been missing and I've therefore decided that I'm going in costume next year - as expensive as it is...

I must say that there are A LOT of good looking men in my country.

I know many men are becoming a lot more conscious of their appearance and their style of dress, so it seems that the aesthetics of the male population are improving tremendously.

However, for people like me with less that a 30% functioning gaydar, the black and white gay/straight complex now becomes more of a big grey fuzzy blur, because the men are becoming a lot more fashionable - either that or I'm just blind. Really I think it's the latter, but it's worth a thought - it's getting a little confusing trying to tell the two species apart by looks alone, which worked very well for the last couple of years. There was a very notable difference in "straight" and "gay" fashion locally. Now everyone's in tight jeans and muscle shirts, and straight men are getting manicures and petticures, with nails looking better than their girlfriends. Anyway, I digress...

So we go and leave the destination...

and head to get some eats and drinks....

and THEN...the first one (Mr. Straight) is called by his name. Number 2 (Mr. Bi) and I turn around and see Mr. Straight heading over to a group of obviously Mr. Gays (three of them). I ... do the double blink thing ... like "oh?...really!!" out of pure shock...and humour.

Mr. Bi and I remained behind for a bit, but THEN one of the Mr. Gays calls the name of Mr. Bi - who is publicly straight, at which point I couldn't help but smile - this I've got to see...

So both Mr. Bi and I walked over to the group and I watched Mr. Bi and Mr. Straight converse with the Mr. Gays. I knew none of them. Ironic. That Mr. Straight and Mr. Bi know the Mr. Gays and, me, the gay one, stood there absolutely clueless - crazy shit.

So I stand there smiling from ear to ear, just observing this scene unfold in front of me. At one point I started laughing for no apparent reason (in their minds). I just excused myself and told everyone that I was being very happy (no pun intended).

Evidently Mr. Straight was old schoolmates with a Mr. Gay, although Mr. Straight did know a lot about the other two it seems *hummm....*. Mr. Bi can't even remember how he came into contact with the same Mr. Gay. And still, that point in time was my first time meeting them...I tell you, I NEEDZ to go out more.

But in any case they don't look the type to do gay parties regularly. They probably do those straight parties with heavy bi/gay undertones. Those ones where a guy and a girl would dance, but the guy's deliciously eyeing Mr. Hotness on the other side of the floor - and Mr. Hotness reciprocates.

That particular conversation with the six of us lasts for about half hour...the longest for the entire day (there was much to talk about evidently). I didn't contribute much because, like I said, I didn't know the others really, so Mr. Bi and Mr. Straight(-enough) were the stars of the show.

Indeed, at one point in time one of the Mr. Gays suggested that we meet up and hang out together later in the night after we ate. *Oh?!...this is going to be interesting...* I thought. The proposal didn't get too far, but I get the impression it may still be on the cards for another day/night....*Mmmmhmmmm...some interesting conversations may arise, indeed, no way I'm missing that...*

After the 1/2 hour, we left and went to eat and drink. I'm now 10% more convinced than before that Mr. Straight-enough is closer to the middle mark than he lets on. Not judged on the conversation with the Mr. Gays alone, like I said, somethings from before have both me and Mr. Bi slightly curious.

We'll see how this one plays out, because Mr. Bi, Mr. Straight-enough and myself have agreed that we should hang out more often. Had that suggestion came after the sermon however I would've had second thoughts, but after seeing the final events play out, I'm very interested. lol.
Crazy shit. Interesting crazy shit.

Until next time blog.

My Weekend

Dear Blog,

It's now approaching the end of what was supposed to be a long fantabulous weekend, and except for a few good parts, everything else just went to shit.

My weekend was to flow as follows - Friday work, Friday night jump up road carnival, Saturday church, Saturday night party, Sunday church, Monday grand road carnival. It went more like this...

Friday I did go to work, had an enjoyable lunch with friends, and went to purchase an outfit for the upcoming Saturday night party (more details to follow). So that ended up being a near 3 hour lunchbreak, but most of the country was on a high for the upcoming Carnival weekend, so I'm fairly sure that all signs of work ethic and productivity fairly much disappeared by midday that Friday.

Went to the Friday night road carnival...

"Lame...never again". I got THREE offers to join one of the parading costume bands, but ooohhh nooo...I'm hanging with my friends so I'll have to pass... Psh. Well, that was "fun"...pretty much stood up at the side of the road like a statue for most of the night, while everyone else was having a blast. My evidently low-key friends (including one specific aforementioned crush) don't do crowds, sweat or paint.

They did tell me to go ahead and enjoy myself...so they didn't stop me, but they would have no part of it...like old english women lol. So next time, I'm jumping in a band, and leaving the old ladies to sip their afternoon Lipton tea on the side of the road...

Anyway, my crush left the island the Saturday morning, spent some time together before he did though, which was fine. You'd know that I'm somewhat torn up by him, not sure where it's going. Like, there's something there, but after all of this, it may still end up being nothing. Still, I'll miss him while he's away...

But that's what the Saturday night party was for. I'll skip the Saturday evening church part because that part of the schedule went as planned. It's funny actually, because ALL of the church parts went as planned - I'll learn bit by bit that God obviously has a great sense of humour...

It's Saturday evening...the eve of ...THE PARTY. The most looked forward to event for me and my best friend, over the last 4 months, and many, many, many other people. It's like...the PRIME event of the year for the "community". Yes, they're other parties, but this is THE .. PARTY.

It was my chance to open my doors a bit, really. Get my mind off of my 'not-sure-where-things-are-going' crush and all the associated internal confusion that's causing me to go crazy, meet some other people, have fun, hang out with friends, get slightly intoxicated - enough to have alcohol-induced fun, but not drunk (if that makes any sense..).

Everybody...will be...at this party.

It's like...miss this and drop dead honey (drag queen style).





And we missed it.




Can you believe it...

We. missed. it. Missed. IT!

*Sigh*. My chance to open some golden doors, spread my itty-bitty wings a little bit, get my mind off of the crush - who's probably having a ball or two where he is - just....*poof*...*whish* ...gone with the wind - in a hurricane or tornado, whatever, just a big-ass violent wind storm. I won't even bother to say why we missed it, because that's half the reason for the depression...Just know that we both beat ourselves immensely and VOWED that THAT will NEVER happen again.

Imagine us two our socially deprived selves missing the biggest social event of the year, really...life could just kiss my ass at that point.

So I found my same life-kissed ass at home on that Saturday night, waiting for church the Sunday morning - which, of course, went according to plan. Actually, as it would work out, I went to church twice on Sunday.

It was on the first occasion that the strangeness started.

A particular soul at church started talking to me, with whom there was a mutual interest at one point, but that turned horribly, unspeakably sour after a particular incident (in my mind, because he's still apparently clueless as to why all ties were severed. It maybe selfish on my part lol, true, but still, in all my selfishness he must really be blind...)

So, a few minutes into this dialogue, during which I made many obvious signals that I didn't want to BE in dialogue, he asks something to the effect of "when can I see you again" and I say "we'll talk after church...".

And, after church, like any sane, normal being would do...

I hid. And then ran.

There was to be no after-church discussion.

The man clearly is not getting my drift, because the same evening he comes and says, "Well I didn't see you after church, what happened?"... and I said "I don't want to be in anything with you..." and I explained why, after which he backed off - which I thought was clear enough from previous discussions but I guess he wasn't getting the point. Him, not getting the point, after about five times...would make him blind and deaf. Well, we'll see what happens in future, because if he comes with it again, that would make him just plain old stupid.

So that was Friday to Sunday evening, with the Crush - who left, the Soul - who wouldn't leave, THE Party - that I missed, and church - that I saw three times for the weekend, and would continue to see the next morning. However, Monday...is a whole other story...

Another Day, Another Year...

Dear Blog,

As you may or may not know, my birthday was yesterday! (happy birthday to me...). I could've blogged last night during the fact, but I was too tired from a crazy mixed-up day.

Well I was getting calls from as early as 6.00am, which was somewhat inconvenient because I never planned to get up until 7.00; but still I put on the happy cheery voice and say "Thank You!!" about near a million times before I left home.

That was the other funny thing - my boss picked me up from home and I was SUPER late...super SUPER late...I had him waiting outside for about 5-7 minutes and came outside looking haggard I'm sure. He didn't mind, or so he said, but he got out of his car and was pacing, so I'm fairly sure he was trying to make me feel NOT SO BAD...

He himself didn't know it was my birthday, but I didn't bother to tell him either. Honestly I wasn't in such a fussy mood. Maybe because I got woken up like a whole hour early (and was still 10 minutes late), but then turning a year older in the 20s tends to revive that "God I'm getting old, soon I'll be 50!" feeling. An odd thought considering that the length of the gap between the 20's and the 50's is probably longer than your own age - but I digress...

My day - started out with me and my unknowing-of-my-birthday boss working on a presentation, which technically had little to do with my own work, but he always comes through for me when I need him to so nothing wrong with returning a favour - plus the content was interesting.

So...worked on that for a while, then my closest work colleague and dear friend brings me a pastry at my office with lit candles stuck in the top and sings the birthday song (by this time I've left my boss' workstation at another location and I'm back at the office, trying REALLY HARD to be productive...and failing).

Granted my personality, I acted all giggly and giddy-head aboutt the small but very heartwarming gesture, and I proceed to make what would be my first wish for the day, blow out the candles, and not so much ate as inhaled the same pastry - owing to lack of breakfast (because I was late...) and working on the presentation for near 2-3 hours had my stomach talking four different languages. My other colleague and friend that was also in my office shared in the small festivity as well, and the three of us made some light jokes, which eased my day a bit more.

Me and friend number 1 who brought the pastry then had a very productive meeting with our consultant, and then she proceeded to depart and I left once again to meet my boss and his colleagues to finish the presentation.

Closer to the 16th hour of the day (that's 4.00pm if your 24 hour clock illiterate...), I kept getting random calls from friend #2 who kept asking "when you coming back to the office??"...to which I responded "soon...". Of course, 'soon' sort of stretched over the span of one hour, but having received about 6 or 7 calls in that time frame, one would - obviously - grow suspicious of an ulterior motive...oooOOOooo what could it be...a surprise??

"Nah" ... I thought ... "because they pulled that stunt last year and they'd be fairly crazy to try it a second consecutive time and STILL try to keep it 'a secret'...really..."

Friend #1 (the pastry friend - keep up..) calls and says "what time are you leaving the office??" and I respond (blindly...not even suspecting)..."well later this evening....but I think those crazy people at my office are planning something for me when I return..."

and she goes ... "ohh...really...ok well I'll pass closer to when you leave"...and I say "sure!"

Go back to the office and the supposed gatekeeper/informant whose job was to alert the other culprits of my arrival was busy yapping on the phone...so part 1 of their plan failed...

Because of that...I walked into a nearly empty office with a table occupied by cake, snacks and some seriously, dangerously strong alcoholic beverages that got me slightly worried...

AND, ended up surprising the culprits themsevles (including friend #1 who I thought was ANYWHERE ELSE but my office) who were busy on their laptops, NOT knowing that I had arrived...LOL.

ANYWAY when everyone gathered together we all laughed at the botched attempt to surprise me (again)...and I got a second set of candles on the cake, and did the same drill as earlier - although I didn't make a second one, I just reinforced the first wish, figured if I asked for it twice in one day with two sets of candles, it SHOULD WORK!

So we ate, drank, danced, I got a little high (lesson in not drinking alcohol on an empty stomach,yes..) and we had fun for about two hours.

After that, I left the office, went looking for said crush as mentioned in previous blog - who hadn't by that time remembered my birthday - but I still wanted to see them. That never happened unfortunately although, as I learnt, had I remained a few minutes later we would've crossed paths. Either way, I chose to hang out with some other friends instead, which was cool.

All in all I had a good day, but the real celebrations are this weekend!

Happy Birthday to me...good ol' 23!

Until next time. Bye blog...

Back from Hibernation

Dear Blog,


I've been away, for a long, long, LONG time (like since January, dear God) I'm so sorry!

But I'm back now for a bit so we can chat (or at least me). I think I can sum up the most important things that happened - that I can remember - since I last came on here.

1. I think one of my cousins may now have confirmed evidence about moi (a lesson in wiping your internet history before letting others use the computer...hmmm...).

2. I like this guy...a lot...a lot lot, despite a LOT of warnings. Doesn't want anything serious, which is fair and understandable. Part of me wants something serious though, and part of me doesn't, which I thought was confusing, because before that point of getting to know them, I didn't want 'serious', but then I realised that the part of me that wants 'serious', wants it with him.

I realise I get this feeling of trepidation when I'm potentially about to embark on something large-scale where love and affection are concerned. It's amazing because, I noticed him for a while, and then when he came up to me and spoke (and when my heart nearly stopped might I add) I was all nervous and trying to be calm and not calm and trying to respond like a normal, sane, unweird person and TOTALLY failing at that too. It was like that crazy moment when your heart is all warm and you can't help but smile until your cheeks hurt but you don't even realise and you're thinking "Oh my God I can't believe this is happening" and no one else exists for that moment...

Then later I got some contact information from him (an e-mail address specifically - which was funny because I never asked him his name, and never knew it - nor did I notice that I didn't know it - until I got the e-mail address) and I realise instantly who the person is, someone I know of from before, and I'm thinking "...ok...not happening, SOOOO not happening" - plus he was involved at the time - and I block him out completely for almost 3 weeks even after repeated attempts on their part to get my attention, even at one point when they were visibly hurt.

And then I just stop blocking and went with the flow, and, slowly, removed the five foot thick wall around my heart and emotions. Now I'm hooked, on the guy that I was once shunning, absolutely hooked, I even like his imperfections...frigging crazy, real crazy, almost stupid crazy, and I have no idea how this is going to turn out...but even with all this roller coaster craziness, I'm happy and living.

(all of that was number 2)

3. I'm trying to improve myself, to reach higher levels - it's a slow process but I think I'm getting there. Funny thing is a lot of my most recent inspiration is from the guy in question in number 2.

4. Masters - next year.

5. I think I'm quitting out of a major social group that was a big part of my life for the last few years, up until a very shocking, surreal and very hurtful moment. After that I decided priorities had to change.

6. Starting swimming, definitely starting swimming. Thinking about martial arts too, just outside my workplace (even if it's because the instructors are HAWWTT - who said motivation couldn't be superficial..lol).

7. A slight promotion, a very, very, slight promotion - in job title and tasks, certainly not in pay lol, but I love my job, and I know I can do more...

That's all I can think about right now, hopefully will be back soon, life has been severely crazy for moi recently (especially from nos. 2 and 7).

Until next time, bye blog.

So what's sexuality?...

Dear Diary (lol):

What about 'the sexual races' - lol. So...as with ethnicities, and languages

Our Conclusions:

1. The heterosexuals (straights) and

2. the homosexuals (oh so fabulous...*ahem*...moving on)

...........but then my head was off the other day about being 100% straight or gay...

3. the hetero-bisexuals (more than 50% straight) and

4. the homo-bisexuals (opposite..)

5. the bisexual bisexuals (really in between, like an even 50/50..)

6. the hetero-homosexuals (the truly gay but self proclaimed straights i.e - denial)

7. the tri-sexuals (would try anything...)

8. the metrosexuals (some of whom really belong in category 6, but anyway...)

9. the transvestites

10. the regular transexuals

11. the straight transexuals (proclaimed to be straight after having sex change and therefore identifying themselves completely with the once-opposite sex; more compelled by identification than by sexual attraction....deep)

12. the asexuals (never know..lol...may be possible, some deeply religious beings describe themselves along these lines)

13. the bi-curious (a weird mix of 1 and 7 .. with a little bit of 3 lol).


13 Races..kind of....some may seem ambiguous, but with 6 billion different people in this world, I wouldn't be surprised if they're more.

So..what are you?...

What's 100%?

I was on the bus this morning, and for some reason it hit me...

So what IS 100%, anyway...

I don't know exactly why it came to me, but I thought about it still:

Define 100% commitment to work (does that really exist?)

Is anyone really 100% straight, or 100% gay? (Probably 100% bi lol). Are any of us 100% of anything ?...99.9999% probably?

To give 100%? Or do we give 100% more? but..then 100% more doesn't necessarily equate to a true 100%, does it? 100% of 4% is 4%..4 + 4 = 8...not 100...

It's used as that benchmark, that point that everyone striving for excellence goes for (the really ambitious people talk about 150%...but that would probably kill).

What is 100% in this world....maybe except 100%

(some deep shit, thinking too much, too much coffee probably, bored...need to stop with the coffee...)